Monday, September 29, 2014

The Unibrow ('70s Version)

Had these guys never heard of razors? 

Did they not get their hair cut by a barber? Did that barber not suggest a little trim “up there”? 

Did they not have wives and girlfriends? Did that wife or girlfriend not make any subtle suggestions? Offer to tweeze for them? 

So, what’s the deal here?

Kinda just a hairy mess.

I sorta feel sorry for this guy. I mean, it’s bad enough being an Anderson. But combine that last name with a super common first one, and your chance at any kind of notoriety is pretty slim. 

Unsurprisingly, when I search for “mike anderson,” I get nothing on our Mike – though I do get a running back, a photographer, a couple of real estate agents, and a dulcimer player (?!?!). “mike anderson baseball”? Well that does give us  a couple of hit for our guy, but even so almost all the hits are for a former coach at Nebraska. 

So, what did our Mike actually accomplish? How about 1,500 at bats over nine years and three teams? Career totals include a.246 average, 28 homers, 134 RBIs, and 159 runs. Basically a backup outfielder.

Much more clean-shaven … except … of course … for that little thing … up there …

Not exactly a household name himself, Tom Phoebus actually had a couple of real career highlights. In his rookie year, he pitched shutouts in his first two starts, went 14-9, and was named the Sporting News Pitching Rookie of the Year. In his sophomore season, he won 15 games, had a 2.62 ERA, and pitched a no-hitter. Unfortunately, after a trade to the woeful Padres and a dreadful 3-11 record with them, it was back to the minors for a year and then out of baseball. 

An article in the Baltimore Sun (he’s a local “Charm City” boy) tells us that Tom’s now retired and plays a lot of golf. It also ends by noting that those famous eyebrows “are turning grey and falling out.”

Ted Martinez was basically the Latino version of Mike Anderson. Here, let me show you:
Mike Ted
Years 9 9
Teams 3 4
At Bats 1,490 1,480
Average .246 .240
Home Runs 28 * 7
RBIs 134 108
Runs 159 165
Common Last Name? yes yes
Common First Name? yes not really
Unibrow? yes yes

* - Okay, so Mike had a little more pop.
The only other difference I can see is Ted was a middle infielder

Jack Clark was a bit of a poster boy for unibrows.

He was also a pretty decent ballplayer. In his 18 seasons in the bigs, he tallied 340 dingers and over 1000 RBIs and 1000 runs. He was a bit of a hothead, though, and got in fights and feuds with Lou Piniella (understandable), Frank Robinson (I can see that), Ozzie Smith (Ozzie Smith?), Albert Pujols (really???) and Tony Gwynn (?!?!).

The tiff with Pujols actually got him fired from a radio job in St. Louis and also involved in a lawsuit. Clark also managed to go bankrupt – because, if you believe Wikipedia, of his love for luxury cars:

According to his bankruptcy filing, he owned 18 luxury automobiles, including a $700,000 Ferrari and a Rolls-Royce. Clark was trying to pay 17 car notes simultaneously, and whenever he got bored with a car he would get rid of it and just buy another one. He ended up losing his 2.4 million-dollar home and his drag-racing business because of his extravagant spending habits.

Italian guys always seem to have an unfair advantage when it comes to these things.

Except for the last name, Frank Tepedino is another Mike Anderson / Ted Martinez. See for yourself:

Mike Ted Frank
Years 9 9 8
Teams 3 4 3
At Bats 1,490 1,480 507*
Average .246 .240 .241
Home Runs 28 7 6
RBIs 134 108 58*
Runs 159 165 50*
Common Last Name? yes yes no
Common First Name? yes sorta nah
Unibrow? yes yes yes

* – Okay, so these are a third of everybody else’s.  So what?  Just triple ‘em, and they’re pretty much identical.

Back to the hairy messes …

I’m glad “Bob” (I think we all remember his as “Bobby”) is wearing a hat in this one. Yup, the ‘stache and the brow were actually combined with a super 1970s, blow-dried nightmare. Don’t believe me? Check out this post.

I shared his stats there, but did you know that he:
  • Was an International League MVP
  • Loves to travel and has visited all 50 states
  • Is an avid golfer with a 2.5 handicap
  • Went by the nicknames “Bird” and “Lizard:”

And with Frankenstein bangs – at no extra charge!

Okay, a little controversy here … I’ve already got Larry Haney in this blog, in a Brow Bros post. That post, though, is really for guys with bushy brows that aren’t necessarily connected in the middle. Taking a close look at Larry’s card in that post, however, it’s obvious that he’s been tragically mis-categorized. I am deeply sorry for this sad turn of events and offer my sincerest apologies to anyone who may have been offended by my actions.

Sammy Stewart was really an ‘80s dude, but – thankfully – he did start his career in the ‘70s. I say “thankfully” because Sammy has probably the best (and by that, I mean worst) unibrow since Andy Etchebarren. 

Sammy’s a bit like Tom Phoebus. Not exactly a household name, he did however once lead the league in ERA. And what’s especially interesting about that accomplishment is that he did it largely as a reliever (albeit a heavily over-worked one). 

Sammy’s also a little bit like Jack Clark, in that his post-playing days were not so pretty. Instead of bankruptcy, though, Sammy’s retirement included meth addiction, a life of crime, and a six-year sentence in the pen. Happily, it sounds like he finally cleaned up his act.  

Want more synophrys victims?  Here’s some more from the ‘50s and the ‘60s.

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