Monday, September 24, 2012

Love Children

I’m not sure who started the whole love child thing.  No, I’m not referring to John Edwards or Arnold Schwarzenegger.  What I mean here is the uncanny resemblance of some celebrity to two other celebrities (typically of opposite genders).  Uncanny enough to imply some sort of genetic relationship. 

I’m guessing it was Spy magazine, that great – and totally forgotten – humor rag from the ‘80s.  I know they were the ones who came up with Separated at Birth.  They also had something called Celebrity Math (e.g., Fabio – Catherine Deneuve = Billy Ray Cyrus).  That’s pretty close.

Well, wherever it came from, I’ve looked at enough baseball cards over the years to come up with some of my own.  So, here they are, the love children of our national pastime …


Ken Heintzelman was a journeyman pitcher with a funny German name and a long, unattractive face.  Hank Sauer was a minor star (1952 NL MVP) with a funny German name; a long, unattractive face; and  a big schnozz.  Put ‘em together, and you get Bob Wilson, a journeyman catcher with a very boring last name; a long, unattractive face; and a big schnozz.  Too bad he couldn’t have been a Puffelbarger or something.


Mitt Romney is a famous Mormon who ran for president of the United States. Guy Smiley is a famous Muppet who played a TV game show host.  Put ‘em together and you get Al Cicotte, a not-so-famous major league ballplayer who pitched for six different teams over five seasons and whose nickname was “Bozo.” Yup, he is related to Black Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte.


Rush Limbaugh is an evil, right-wing blowhard.  David Berkowitz is an evil serial killer.  Put ‘em together and you get Smoky Burgess, an 18-year MLB veteran and one of the best pinch-hitters of all time.  I have no idea whether he was evil or not.  I sincerely doubt it though.

More Smoky here, here, and here.

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